Dying Talk

Grief

I recently went back to my home country for my dear Grandmother’s funeral. In my culture, the family of the deceased usually walks behind the coffin until the burial site, and that’s what we did. I thought I had processed most of my grief. But, when I was standing with my sons behind my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, my sons and other relatives, everyone’s grief was palpable. Grief can be funny like that. It comes and goes unexpectedly. The more attention it gets, the worse it behaves. So I’ve been focusing my attention on the love and happy memories I have of my Grandmother. I have accepted that there is this undeniable emptiness and loss now that she is gone, but I am thankful for our time together. What a woman she was. What a Grandmother she was! Very loving, very witty. Fierce. My love of gardening and baking were first stoked by her. Even at her death, my Grandmother was still bringing our whole extended family together. It was heart warming to see cousins who I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. Funny how life just flies by.

Death Talk

In my recent travels I had a few meaningful conversations about death and dying. My aunt who lost her husband 9 years ago expressed how my uncle was not at all spiritual or “religious” all his life, but after getting his cancer diagnosis, spirituality and meditation practices brought him great peace. It allowed him to leave completely unafraid- unlike when he had first gotten his cancer diagnosis. “He was like a baby in the end” my aunt said, reflecting on how my uncle was completely dependent on his wife and sons for his care. I also spoke to a few other people about the need to talk about death. At least a couple of them were uncomfortable with the conversation. But that’s why we need to talk about death. We need to talk about death and dying because we are all dying. This world would be a much better place if we all talked about death.

How to Start Conversations About Death

If you’re not sure about how to start conversations about death and dying, here are some ideas your tips you can try:

• If you have already prepared your Advanced Care Plan, you can use this as a conversation starter. My husband and I have both prepared our Advanced Care Plans, and this is often a good way to start conversations. “We’ve just prepared our Advanced Care Plans and it’s great. Have you? If you want I can help you…”
• For people who are very touchy and afraid to speak about any sickness or death, sometimes just talking straight helps. “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but if you ever want to talk about death, I’m here.” Or, “I know this is not a pleasant subject, but it’s so necessary.” I have a good friend who is extremely careful with her health and has always been afraid of sickness and death. Recently someone close to her suddenly passed away, and she said that made her realize how she wishes she spoke about death and dying with that person she lost.
• If the person you’re talking to is the type of person who likes to prepare and plan everything in advance, use that angle. “Have you planned your funeral yet?” “Do you have a saving for your funeral?”
• Sometimes asking questions can be helpful. This is especially true for kids. “Have you ever thought about death?” “Where do you think we go when we die?” Or, “What are the top 5 things you would like to achieve or do before you die?” “If I were going to die tomorrow, what would you want to say to me?”
• Play a spin the bottle game and all the questions have to be related to life and death. Alternatively, write all the questions you can think of related to death and put them into a bowl. Makes an interesting party!

It might not be easy to start these conversations but I promise you’ll have very meaningful conversations. You’ll discover things from loved ones or acquaintances that you would not have known otherwise. You won’t regret it.