5 Tips to Finding Grace in Grief

My Nana

My last living grandparent, my dearest Nana, passed away today. It was not a surprise, as her body’s been in decline for years now. She was one of the most unique people I have ever met. Certainly one of the strongest and bravest. Nana was a little girl during WWII. During the war, she would ride her bicycle to jail to smuggle food in for her father. She was a great cook- and she used to tell me how she’d be cooking while there’d be dog fights (two jet fighters fighting) happening above their town. Her mother would be yelling at her to take shelter in the basement but she wanted to keep cooking and watching the dog fight. She was an extraordinary and ruthless athlete and sports coach. A baker, a socialite. Her gardens were always perfect and beautiful. She was always well dressed, witty, and funny. Loving. She taught me how to cook and bake a few of her signature dishes. 96 rounds around the sun. Love her so much.

You see, facing death doesn’t mean you stop caring. It’s actually quite the opposite. Facing death allows us to love more deeply. And in facing death, we also learn a bit about handling grief.

Grief is a beast

Grief is a beast that rears his ugly face sometimes in often unexpected moments. It can bring you to your knees. Kick in the gut. Other times it’s like a dam that opens and floods you under. Recently I was speaking to a dear friend who lost their partner very recently. She said that while she’s feeling a bit better, often she thinks, “Has this really happened? Is this really my life now?” and feels like she might just be dreaming and needs to wake up. But now that it’s been a few months, some moments she feels more clarity.

We talked about our different experiences with grieving others we’ve lost, and also tips and advise from others we have met along the way.

Don’t fight grief but don’t wallow in it

After having discussions and doing interviews with widows and widowers and others who’ve lost partners, a child, a friend, parents, or pets about their experiences with the stages of grief, here are 5 tips to helping you in your journey with grief:

• Grief does’t ever fully go away, but it will get better. Decades later, there will still be pain and longing.
• There’s no right or wrong way to grieve
• Be physically active.
• Have routines and stick to them, especially on the days that you’d rather be crying in bed.
• Most importantly, give yourself grace if you experience grief. Don’t try to fight it and try get rid of grief. But, also don’t wallow in grief. Wallowing in grief deepens the pain. Instead, celebrate the person or soul you loved. Put the focus into your love for that person/soul rather than your having lost that soul/person.

If needed, grief counselling can also help. Learning to put words to feelings is one important way to help you grieve.

Love to you all.